In 1987 having obtained the A-level results I needed, I began to study medicine in Cardiff. I joined the Christian Union and the local CMF group. I had not come across such a warmth of welcome before. However, in spite of this, I became lonely and discouraged. At the end of the year, I sat the first year exams and failed all of them. Despite being aware that my work and revision were inadequate, this failure still came as a tremendous blow, as I had not failed an important examination before. So great was the shock, that I failed all but one of the September re-sits.
Following my exit from Cardiff, I had two bleak months of doing very little, except for shopping, walking the dog and going to church. However, by the grace of God, I was accepted to study medicine once again. Despite a few hiccups in the pre-clinical years at UCL, God has brought me through and on to the wards at last.
What have I learned from all this? First and foremost: GOD CARES! No matter how black the situation may appear, and how friendless, God has promised to be with his people always (Mt 28:20b). Also, no matter how great a disaster has befallen us, God can, and will, bring good out of it (Rom 8:28). Through all that has happened, I have learned much and have been strengthened as a Christian, as I let God teach me. However, I needed not just help from God, but also the far more tangible support 1 received from friends. Their letter-writing and visits (and patience) were very welcome and invaluable source of encouragement. In addition, I have been given an insight into the mind-numbing, life-shattering depression that may propel people to suicide.
It is worth remembering that the sufferer may appear normal and calm on the surface, but this can cover a turmoil of negative thoughts. One person who has been through this writes:
Fine Today
J Girling, 1990
Loveless, lifeless eyes in staring sockets;
Sunken shadows in a field of grey,
Listless, limp hands hanging.
'How are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine today'.At the beck and call of any,
Hovering, anxious to obey,
Fearful of rejection.
'How are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine today.'Drably dressed with shoulders sadly drooping,
Never knowing what to say,
Standing in the corner.
'How are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine today.'Suppressed anger, turning to frustration
Thoughts of suicide don't go away,
Becoming more persistent.
'How are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine today'.Bury me where no-one else will notice,
No-one ever noticed anyway.
And on the plain, grey headstone carve,
Discreetly,
'Oh, I'm fine today'.
Particularly when in the company of the more 'happy-clappy' brethren (this coming from a house church member!), it is easy both to slip on this shell of 'Oh, I'm fine today', and to forget that key figures in the Bible were also troubled by failure and depression. Yet each time God's people are discouraged, they can turn to his Word (the Bible), which records both past triumphs and future promises and, above all, the possibilities of hope and trust in the unchanging nature of our God. For example:
Moses
Guilty of murder, he fled into the desert; after 40 years as a mere shepherd, he was recalled to Egypt by God to be the agent of divine intervention (the whole of Exodus!).
David
As a result of committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband Uriah, David was driven out of his city by his son Absolom; yet God restored David to the throne in accordance with his promises (2 Sa 15-18; the Psalms). In the Psalms, David also reveals his awareness of his weakness, but also his trust in God (Ps 73:21-26,28) and his own willingness to cry to God for forgiveness (Ps 51).
Simon Peter
Perhaps the classic case! Despite his impetuosity landing him in trouble (Mt 14:22-32) and his threefold denial (Lk 22:54-62), he was used by God in an extraordinary way in the first thirty years after the crucifixion of Christ; however, first he had to endure the bitterness and self-condemnation of failing his Lord (Mt 26:75; Mk 14:72).
From all this, we should remember above all that failure to achieve does not make us a failure in God's eyes. After all, he created us and we are his (Ps 100:3). He loves us with an everlasting love, which does not diminish but is always patient and kind; which is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. In his love, God protects us, trusts us with all he has given us, helps and perseveres with us, even when the situation seems hopeless to us, and we feel like giving up (1 Cor 13:4-7).
The greatest message in the Bible is that of new life and fresh beginnings. The chance to start again is not restricted to our conversion; it is given each time we make a mistake. The fresh start may not necessarily be on the same path we had been travelling, but the new path is always the best place to be when God is with us. Failure is never a pleasant experience, but it can provide opportunities to learn and to grow both in faith and as mature adults. It can make us more sensitive to the weaknesses and needs of others. In our own weakness, we need God (Mt 11:28-30) and other people (Acts 2:42 - the fellowship).
A few suggestions for how this might work in practice:
- ( for those whose friends have failed - pray for them, it is a difficult time, and keep in touch not just out of pity, but out of friendship and a desire to help. Try not to be discouraged if they don't respond as you anticipate, be patient with them!
- ( for those who have failed; keep praying. Despite the disaster, God does have plans for you still (Je 29:11), no matter how unlikely that seems at the moment. Do not despair, and beware categorising yourself, failing does not make you 'a failure'. Be patient with friends if what they say, write or do, isn't quite what you want or need at the time more often than not, it is meant sincerely. Don't bury what you're feeling completely, find a minister or someone else you trust, and talk and pray things through with them.
'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.' Mt 11:28-30.
'Therefore. . . let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...' Hb 12:1,2
