Falling in love
Nitpickerus: In the last issue, Dionysius, we discussed sexuality but didn't really touch on the whole area of falling in love.
Dionysius: What are you talking about?
Nitpickerus: Come on Dionysius, you must have experienced it. All of a sudden some new person comes into your life and they mean everything to you. You think about them all the time. You want to spend every moment of the day with them.
Dionysius: In other words, you love them with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.[1] The way the Psalmist says he loves God?[2]
Nitpickerus: Yes, that's a good description of what it's like. Surely you're not saying it's idolatrous?[3]
Dionysius: There's certainly a danger of that, especially if your relationship starts to compromise your obedience to God.[4] Our love and devotion for him must come first. It is the natural response when we truly understand how he loves us.[5] In fact the Bible likens the love God has for his people to the love a man feels for a woman.
Nitpickerus: I'd never thought of God as being romantic. Can you give me an example?
Dionysius: 'As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you', says lsaiah.[6] Jesus calls himself the bridegroom and the church his bride.[7] Paul says that the love between a husband and wife is a symbol of that between Christ and his people.[8] The Bible is full of romantic imagery.
Nitpickerus: Some people think a Christian shouldn't have these feelings - stiff upper lip and all that.
Lovers in the Bible
Dionysius: No, the capacity to feel strong emotional attraction is part of being made in the image of God. God himself has feelings - love,[9] anger,[10] grief.[11] Look at the range of emotion expressed in the life of Jesus. You don't have to look far in the Bible to find human love stories either- Isaac and Rebecca,[12] Jacob and Rachel,[13] Boaz and Ruth.[14] The Song of Solomon is entirely about just this subject - it's an erotic love poem. We were made to have these feelings. The important thing is how we handle them. There are stories of love going wrong in the Bible too: Shechem and Dinah,[15] Amnon and Tamar,[16] David and Bathsheba.[17]
Nitpickerus: But those are instances of unbridled lust Dionysius, not love, surely?
Dionysius: It might seem that way on the surface but the initial feelings can be indistinguishable. The same Hebrew word aheb (love), is used to describe the feelings of Amnon for Tamar, Shechem for Dinah, Jacob for Rachel - even of God for his people.
Nitpickerus: I have a friend who advocates just going with the feeling.
Dionysius: We're not just creatures of instinct Nitpickerus. Emotions are such fickle things, they buzz and fade. We can't run our lives by them. Most painful broken relationships and bitter divorces are the result of people letting their feelings determine their behaviour. The dreadful affairs of David, Shechem and Amnon began with seemingly innocent infatuations that were acted out. If a man of David's spiritual calibre can make this mistake, we should take warning.[18] It was the only real mistake David made in his life.[19] He acted on the basis of his feelings alone and it led to adultery, murder, deceit and the disintegration of his family. The problem is that our hearts can deceive us.[20] We may think we know what the right course of action is and yet be terribly mistaken.[21]
Nitpickerus: So how do we know? Surely you're not suggesting it's purely a cerebral process just adding up the pros and cons?
Dionysius: We have to come back to the Word of God. That was Jesus approach. We know he was tempted in all ways just as we are.[22] He experienced strong physical desires,[23] but he didn't let them rule his life. Rather he lived by God's Word.[24]
Nitpickerus: So what light does God's Word shed on this whole issue?
Dionysius: Well the first thing to realise is that the intended context for such feelings is marriage.6,25 So the first question is this: Is the person I'm having these feelings for someone I could legitimately marry?
Who can't I marry?
Nitpickerus: Who can't I marry?
Dionysius: For a start, someone of the same sex.[26]
Nitpickerus: But is it possible to have these sort of feelings for someone of the same sex?
Dionysius: Yes, some people do, but God's Word is very clear that these feelings should be resisted, not acted upon.[27] Secondly, you can't marry someone who is closely related to you, say a sister.[28] That was Amnon's mistake,[16] and he paid for it with his life. Thirdly, you can't marry a person who is already married[29] or engaged[30] to someone else. That was David's mistake.[17] The problem is that if we fall in love with anyone in these categories, the feeling may be so strong that we are tempted to think we should act on it. If we do we are on the road to disaster. Rather, we should recognise that we are being tempted, and resist.[31]
Nitpickerus: What if we fall in love with someone who doesn't share our faith?
Dionysius: As God's people we cannot be yoked together with unbelievers.[32] We are a holy people.[33] Mixed marriages are out. This is taught in the Old Testament as well as in the New.[34] People like Solomon,[35] Ahab[36] and the people of lsrael[37] who did this are given to us as examples of what not to do.
Nitpickerus: What about Ruth? She wasn't a Jew,[38] yet she married Boaz.[39]
Dionysius: But she was a Jew in the sense of having faith in God. It's not race that's important, or even age. It's faith.[40] Christians can only marry Christians.[41]
Nitpickerus: But what if you're already married to a non-believer? Should you divorce them?
Dionysius: No, you should seek their conversion.[42]
Nitpickerus: So what's to stop you seeking the conversion of a non-Christian girlfriend or boyfriend?
Dionysius: We should seek the conversion of all non-believers,[43] but how can you justify being romantically involved with a person you can't marry? You don't need to be romantically involved with someone to explain the Gospel to them. Do you expect God to help you when you're deliberately disobeying his commands?
Nitpickerus: So you think it's better just to break off the relationship and cause great pain to the one you love?
Dionysius: It causes far more pain for God to see a Christian continuing in a wrong relationship and obstructing the work of the Gospel. He should never have got involved in the first place. If he'd been fully honest with God and the other person he wouldn't have. It's deceitful. The sooner he apologises to the other person and breaks off the relationship, the better. It may be painful, but it will avoid much greater pain later for both parties.
Finding a marriage partner
Nitpickerus: So if you fall in love with a Christian of the opposite sex who also loves you, is not closely related and is not married or engaged to anyone else it's all right to marry them?
Dionysius: Only if you realise that marriage is for life. There's no turning back. True love is not a feeling but an act of the will. It's a promise to God and to the other person to be always faithful, no matter what.[45]
Nitpickerus: Well, shouldn't I seek some special revelation from God first, to make sure I'm doing the right thing? You know, ask for a dream or vision,[46] put out a fleece,[47] draw lots,[48] consult the ephod,[49] wait for a prophetic word?[50]
Dionysius: You shouldn't be making any major decision in your life without earnest prayer. Jesus prayed fervently over every important decision he ever made. God does give specific advice to some people about how to or not to marry (eg Isaac,[12] Abimelech,[51] Hosea,[52] Joseph[53]), but he's happy to let most exercise the choice he's given them within the guidelines we've looked at.
Nitpickerus: Are you saying that God doesn't have some special person planned for me?
Dionysius: What difference does it make if he does? God works out his sovereign plan in our lives as we live in accordance with his will. He promises to guide us, but he's under no obligation to tell us anything ahead of time. God tells us things on a need to know basis. He wants us to trust him.[54] What are you so worried about? Finding a marriage partner for you is no problem for the one who runs the universe. If he can find a wife for Isaac in the middle of the desert he can find one for anyone. Of course this doesn't mean you are a passive participant in the whole thing. You have to do your part. Look at Isaac, Jacob and Boaz for example. They had to do their part.
Putting God first
Nitpickerus: I just want to make a good choice.
Dionysius: Put God absolutely first and you will Ask yourself honestly: Is this relationship enhancing my obedience to his call on my life? Am I prepared not to get married at all in order to serve him better, if that's what he wants?[55] Am 1 prepared to wait for his timing?[56]
Be patient God's in control. Jacob waited seven years for Rachel.[13] Joseph was unbelievably patient when all looked hopeless and despite facing temptation with a willing and attractive partner on the way.[57] But God didn't leave him on the shelf.[58] Boaz was even prepared to lose the woman he loved to another, in order to honour God. He wasn't let down.[59]
Nitpickerus: I do worry.
Dionysius: You'd do better to pray and get on with serving the Lord instead of doubting his character and his power. If you haven't found your life partner yet, either you don't need one or it's not time. If you don't need a wife for what he wants you to do, if he has some special calling for you, you'll find his grace sufficient.60 If you need one, you'll get one, in God's time, in God's place, in God's way. You won't find one by sitting around worrying. Any woman of God will run a mile. God's in control. Get on with serving and trust him with the matrimonial stakes. You might get a pleasant surprise.
Nitpickerus: I've been worrying too much about women. Perhaps we should be getting back to medicine. We've been discussing decisions in the field of sexuality from a Christian perspective, but most of our patients can't accept our starting point. They don't believe in the Bible as God's word. How then can we make decisions about their lives? We can hardly impose our standards on them can we? Where do we start?
Dionysius: I suggest we start in the next issue of Nucleus.
