How far is too far?

We live in a society that is obsessed by sex. It is everywhere. Part of the entertainment on television; selling magazines which give hints, tips and check whether we are 'normal'; the latest newspaper scandal; or someone trying to sell us something. Sex is no longer taboo, no longer the sole territory of adults, no longer post watershed viewing. Everyone seems to be preoccupied by sex - are they getting enough, are they likely to hold on to their partners. How can we live in this world and be unaffected?

It is not that sex is at all bad, after all it was created by God. It is just that like everything else in creation, it has been warped. You only have to look at Song of Songs[1] or Proverbs[2] to see that sexuality and its expression can be holy and pure.

But the fact that much of the New Testament warns against sexual immorality[3], and that the Old Testament is full of people consumed by it,[4] tells us that it can be a big problem. This leads to the dilemma: how do we keep ourselves pure?

The Bible tells us that sexual intercourse should be restricted to marriage.[5] This idea will not be new to anyone. The difficulty is not so much in accepting this, but in putting it into practice.

Let us not kid ourselves, we all have sexual drives and impulses (not to mention hormones) and just because we are not married does not mean we don't think about sex. How should we deal with these thoughts? Jesus, talking about adultery, comments that it is not only the act of adultery that is sinful, but the very thought of it.[6] This is the point at which I usually think: 'Oh boy, what chance do we have here?' This really is the bottom line - we are sinners. There is no way in the universe that we can be clean, except through the death and resurrection of Jesus. The only way out is our repentance and his forgiveness. In him we have been given a new self, freed from sin.[7]

However, we are running the race towards the goal of Christ-likeness through the process of sanctification - we are not there yet.[8] We cannot expect a faultless race with no slip-ups, but our Lord is merciful,[9]and will forgive us if we truly repent.[10] Therefore, even if we mess up, we can always come back to him.

He has also provided the Holy Spirit to help out where we are weak. It is not a case of struggling on our own with temptation, we just have to ask for his aid.[11] After all, we cannot possibly avoid every provoking image or comment, but perhaps we should try to miss some of the more obvious ones (such as the latest Sharon Stone movie!) We should also ask Jesus to help us take our thoughts captive to him.[12]

So what about our actions? Well, we need to ask for the strength to resist physical as well as mental temptation,[13] and similarly we have to take steps to avoid it.[14] I've heard may suggestions on this subject, and most of them strike me as silly. For instance, 'avoid long kisses' - are we supposed to set an alarm for - say - two minutes? Besides, what is appropriate for one person is not necessarily for another: we cannot start making rules, we just need to be sensible.

Perhaps some of the pressure for rules comes from the debate about definitions. What do we consider to be the sexual contact that should be kept for marriage? Most things could be classed as foreplay in some contexts. If we decide that the actual physical act of intercourse is the prohibited one, does that mean we can do anything except that? Hardly! So how far is too far? My answer - it is personal and variable.

Let us consider the 'relationship' scenario, since casual sex is not an option. In a relationship, you should be able to talk about sex and decide on what restrictions you'll place on yourselves. These vary between people. Be sensible and choose those which are foolproof, not those that you'll probably get away with. I suggest that you also consider the effect your actions have on others. Paul, talking about eating regulations, says that things we can handle may cause others to stumble.[15] Be sensitive to those around you who do not share your comfort level.

Presumably, if you're in a relationship where sex might be an issue, you care about the other person. Would you want to lead them into sin?[16] Sex is something that can wait until you are married. It is one of those mysteries, like communion, symbolic of the relationship between Jesus and the church.[17] Looking at it like that, it is far too special to spoil.

Just consider the mess people get into when they abuse sex - unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, broken hearts, ruined marriages - and worse! We cannot let the world squeeze us into the currently fashionable -'if it feels all right - do it', mindset.[18] The world is very much into freedom from taboos and restrictions on sexual expression, but we shouldn't misuse our freedom in Christ by sinning.[19] Jesus says that we should cut off a hand rather than let it lead us into sin,[20] so if not holding hands is necessary to keep us pure, then surely we shouldn't.

Another reason for not entering into a sexual relationship outside marriage is concern over whom we give ourselves to. I want to be pretty selective about whom I am being quite that intimate with, whose 'other half' I am becoming. ('Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her?'[21]. When Jesus discusses marriage and divorce with the disciples, they balk at the severity of his attitude to marriage[22] - if you cannot get out of it again, you should be serious about getting into it!

In conclusion, Jesus said that it is what comes out of someone that makes them unclean, for example sexual immorality, greed, arrogance.[23] So, we need to keep our insides clean24 and ensure that we talk these things over with him, so that we can make right and sensible decisions.